This Writing Is A Mess Just Like Me

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Am I the only one here who handles their emotions very well by not letting it show— on the outside everything seems so fine but deep inside everything is just a mess?

I’ve learned to close the gate of my emotions for the past couple of years. I once opened it and it drowned me, so I decided to contain it again and bottle it up. Well, let’s just say that I’m very conflicted on how I should deal with my emotions now since I’ve tried every ways but all of it has a downside.

I try to stay away from negative things and avoid conflicts, which surprisingly is a lot more toxic than I expected because the negativity will always be there unless I face it and solve it. Not caring is not an option, it is impossible to not care unless you’re a sociopath. Back then I tried to really bottled up all my emotions until I started spilling them out on friends. I kind of open up a vault and I couldn’t stop letting all these emotions out. Until, I tried to closed it again and since then I’ve been sort of okay with just minor changes. Before I used to be all about helping people with their problems like I go out of my way to be helpful and supportive. I literally don’t give a fuck about myself before and I would rather help others before I help myself. Right now, I feel myself changing day by day. I don’t know if I’m becoming more “selfish” but I try my best to stay away from negativity hence I became sort of cold hearted.

I remember seeing this photo from social media about how we become older we figuratively became smarter and wiser but as that happens our hearts also become smaller and colder. That photo was engraved in my mind because I find it true as I experience it. It started when I graduated college I was sent out to the “real world”. This chaotic life that I have to face for a lifetime. When you were still a student the world was somehow filtered, you get to have these ideas of what life would be like and in your mind it’s this awesome plan. I thought I just have to do these steps so I can have that dream but as it turns out it wasn’t that easy. I thought upon graduating I have all these tools to be remarkable but I have nothing. I’m just this another normal girl looking for a job. It went on from there learning that I was not that special and the world just sucks. Money is important even if you just want a simple life. All these negative information kind of piled up inside of me. I was once a hopeful and idealistic person who hopes for the best and sees something in good in everything. Now, I’m this skeptic person trying my best to get by and as much as possible protect my wellness.

It’s not that I don’t care about other people because I’m a huge a fan of kindness and empathy, if you have been reading from this blog for a while now you probably know that already. I promote checking on your loved ones and listening to their stories. But I’m also a fan of self-love. For me, I try to create this boundary with myself of being concern and being over-caring to other people’s emotions. I absorb negativity quickly that’s why I try to refrain myself of putting my nose in other people’s issues but at the same time I also want them to know that I am there for them. But these past couple of years I felt myself being cold. I stopped checking on people because I was so caught up with my own shit and I also became a jerk because I felt like I dealt with my problems on my own and I’m surviving and I started expecting other people to do the same. I’m turning into someone that I hated growing up, the kind of person that thinks everything is all in our heads and just wanted attention. I started realizing it that is why I’m writing this.

Like, I said from the beginning of this post I am conflicted on how I should deal with my emotions. I thought not dealing with it and avoiding to feel it was the best way but as it turns out I’m becoming a toxic person not just for myself but also for other people. I lost that sense of being empathic and sympathetic on others adversities. I wanted to bring my old self back but I know that it is impossible especially with all the things that I have experienced. I am this person because of it, I mean I learned a lot about how the world works even though it still disappoints me. I crave for my innocence back but I am not a child anymore and I should accept the fact that I have all these responsibilities now. I guess that is the source of my problem I wanted to be a kid again— carefree with no responsibility.

I feel like this writing is a mess. I feel like I have talked about everything that’s been bothering me when in fact I just want to talk about how I deal with my emotions but it led to different aspects of my life lol. Well, I guess that’s how it really goes when you have too many bottled up thoughts and emotions.

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Anyway,

I have finally updated our blog directory. It was so overdue and I apologize for that so please feel free to check our blog directory and discover new blogs to read and follow. 😊

Click here


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Life Lately 12

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Hi everyone, I don’t know if anybody still remembers this blog because it’s been quite a while since I’ve been in here. But I’m here today and got a bit of free time. So, I decided to update this blog by this short post and tell you what I’ve been up to these past couple of weeks.

Lately I’ve been thinking…

of ways to fit in everything that I wanted to do in my life right now. Now, that I have a job again (finally!) I don’t know why I suddenly wanted to do a lot of things even though I had 10 months of free time prior to me having a job again. So, right now I’m trying to think, plan, and manage my time to do all my other endeavors.

Lately I’ve been feeling…

a lot more productive, a bit tired too but in a more positive way. Maybe, it’s because of the new job. The feeling of doing something new again, wanting to learn and master it. I don’t know how long this will last but right now I’m taking advantage of this side of me because I know this will change in just a matter of time.

Lately I’ve been wanting…

to do a lot of things, like I said before there are things that I wanted to do besides working in my day job. I still wanted to do my hobbies regularly like writing, playing ukulele, reading books, binge watching series etc. So, yeah it’s a struggle for me especially when these are the things that calms me down.

Lately I’ve been doing…

accounting & finance stuff lol. I started my job 3 weeks ago and it’s what I’ve been doing lately. I’m thankful to be working again right now. I know a lot of people don’t like their jobs and I understand that but for me you don’t have to love your job when you get paid for it and get to pay for stuff that makes you happy. I have this mindset when it comes to work; “it’s just a job and I don’t have to bring it home with me”

Lately I’ve been hoping…

for this pandemic to end. This will be the only thing I’ll be writing here until the pandemic is over.

That’s my life lately, how’s yours? 😉

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It’s Been A Year (Poetry + Rant)

Credits to Bloomberg
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Sense of touch that we miss,
and the feel of your soft lips
it’s been a year since all of these
has been taken away in a bliss.

To be apart from each other
and should’ve made us closer
like a war with a terrible leader
feels like our days are numbered.


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The pandemic is not getting away anytime sooner. It has been a year but it feels like we’re back from the very beginning. My country the Philippines has gone under another “lockdown” for 1 week as cases of COVID-19 had a surge these past couple of days. As Filipinos beginning to feel complacent as they’re adjusting to the new normal, we are back where we started but worst.

I’m saying that this lockdown is worst because the country can no longer afford an extended lockdown due to economic reasons. The capital of the country Metro Manila plus other areas like Bulacan, Cavite, and Laguna (NCR Plus) is currently on lockdown for only a week, and the government specifically said in their press conference that it is unlikely for them to extend this lockdown which from my point of view sounds like “whatever happens after this lockdown, we are going back to normal and just let things be”. You can’t contain a surge of cases in just a week. It has been a year and our COVID response still has no concrete plan on how to contain this virus except for naming quarantine schemes for a whole year. What is the use of this lockdown when people can actually still go out and the government is just imposing a curfew? Does the virus have schedule on when they are active?

The Philippine government failed from the very beginning of this Pandemic and it didn’t even get a chance to redeem itself.

  • Failed to make a concrete plan when number of cases were rising. Instead, imposed a nationwide lockdown and poured all the funds for military checkpoints, and gave unorganized LGU aids when they should’ve gave the majority of the funds to our health care system, mass testing, contact tracing, and other procedures that would’ve helped in containing the virus.

This is not about being a DDS supporter or not, you cannot avoid the fact that this administration is failing in handling this pandemic. Duterte administration’s sole priority this whole year was law and order, and they pour all their attention on that detail of governing. This is a virus where health is in jeopardy. Checkpoints and military is not going to defeat this virus. TESTING and BETTER HEALTH CARE SYSTEM will.

IT HAS BEEN A YEAR.

Take care everyone, be safe, wear a mask.


Related Posts:
6 Positive Habits to Maintain After the Pandemic
[RANT POST] “TIMEOUT” – FRONTLINERS CRY FOR HELP
CAN I JUST RANT?
LOCKDOWN THOUGHTS

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New Home + Life & Blog Update

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Hi everyone, I miss this space so much 🥺. It has been a stressful but also fun past couple of days. We finally moved in to our newly renovated home (sort of). We still haven’t finished furnishing it and unpacking yet but it’s getting there. It has been stressful since all of us and my family members are finally staying in one home compared in the past where I was only staying with my auntie. It’s quite irritating when you live with people who has different lifestyle from yours. I’m a minimalist, living with less is comforting for me, it adds to that peace of mind, and lately it’s been crazy because of my family with all of their unnecessary stuff. It’s driving me crazy how they have so many belongings that they don’t even use anymore. Anyways, I’ve been more productive with doing household chores as well since the house is new lol. We still have lots of things to tweak, I can’t wait until it’s fully furnished and done.

Besides moving into our new home, I’ve been on a job hunt as well. I’m currently eyeing for this job and I had my initial interview last week and I’m still waiting for the next one. I really hope I get that job so that I can stop being a freeloader. It’s really been difficult to find a job these days with the current level of competition. I just really have to stay motivated and eager until I land a job. I don’t know how people do it with changing jobs, it really feels like starting over again. I worked 3 years in a company but with this job hunt, it feels like I’m a fresh graduate again.

In terms with this blog, I’m currently bulk writing again (yay!) I’ll get to my blogging schedule right away unless something came up like another interview? fingers crossed. A lot of things happened in the last couple of weeks, I mean Taylor Swift did something again, Superbowl happened, Valentine’s Day etc. lots of things to write about.

Anyways, how are you all? What did I miss? Let’s catch up!


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Moving Day!

It’s moving day! We’re finally moving in to our renovated home after 2 months which was supposedly just a month, specifically before Christmas but lots of changes were done. I’ve been busy these past couple of days hence no posts were published ✌🏼. Next post that I will be posting after this short one will be from our home (finally!). See you all! 👋🏼