Life Lately 10

Here’s a life update from my very exciting life lately. And, guess what it’s currently raining again, like a weird coincidence every time I write Life Lately blog posts. Not much has changed since my last ‘Life Lately’ update.

Lately I’ve been thinking…

of ways to start writing about what I think. I have so many thoughts but my problem is either how to start writing it or how to finish writing it. If you could see my notes on my phone, there are a lot of unfinished writings. Sometimes, I have so many ideas that I choose to not write at all.

Lately I’ve been feeling…

alright, but I still get anxious about my future. Especially, now that I’m still unemployed, it’s really hard to get a job because of the pandemic. Lots of companies have laid off employees, and I guess there are a lot of people finding jobs which means, competitions doubled. There’s a part of me that has regrets on voluntarily quitting my job because I currently have no income, but there’s a bigger part of me where I’m relieved that I left that job. Right now, I’m trying so hard not to freak out about it, that’s why my current everyday mantra is “everything will be okay, I’ll be okay” and I tell this to myself every time I feel my chest tightening up because of my thoughts about my current career status.

Lately I’ve been wanting…

to get a job, to write more, to share more, to have a vacation. I want to go back to normal. It’s almost end of the year, and I feel like I wasted time because of this pandemic.

Lately I’ve been doing…

some reading but mostly playing video games. I’m currently reading a book which I would really like to finish by this week. I had a copy of that book for quite a while now, and I’ve been sleeping on it. I would also like to write a review about it, as it’s a really overhyped book but I’ve been playing so much video games lately, which is also the reason I’m so behind with reading your blogs (sorry ✌🏼).

Lately I’ve been hoping…

for the same thing as last time, that this pandemic will be over soon, and better world leaders. For the U.S. citizens, I know election is coming up in your country, please use your right to vote.

How’s your life lately? 😃

Always remember to be kind, not just on others but also on yourself. See you on my next post! ❤


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AND THEN THERE WAS SILENCE…

It went all blank, the mind that was once filled with too much noise. It was terrifying that it all stopped— the over-drowning thoughts, it was always there but now it’s all gone. It was quiet— too quiet that it makes it more numbing, “why am I not thinking, even feeling things anymore?” I ask myself. Now, I’m walking through this life with blank eyes, even more afraid that I’m not afraid of anything anymore.

A QUICK CATCH UP AND A LITTLE VENT/RANT

Oh hello there, I don’t know if you still remember me or this blog. It has been a REALLY LOOOONG time wasn’t it? Well, I’m still here my friends. The rush of life and living has gotten into me that I forgotten all the things that used to make me happy like what I’m doing right now which is writing.

I’m just here to release some things from my heart and from my mind if that’s alright.

I have been a “corporate slave” for a year, congrats to myself lol. It’s quite sad to think that everything that I wrote here about passion and happiness over the past years is contradicting everything that I’m doing with my life right now. It’s easy to think about it— to dream about it and thinking that it’s all going to be just a dream because you can’t do it in reality due to you’ll starve to death first before you can actually do your passion is really frustrating.

I ended up following the usual flow and just hope something will come up along the way to somehow lessen the unfulfilling and unsatisfied emotions that I’m currently feeling. I want to go back to the time where everything was so simple, when life was easy. It’s difficult to grow up but I’m still young and I’m still hoping that one day everything will make sense and I’ll finally be happy.

One year into working and it feels too fast that I think I’m just wasting my time, I’m like working until I die. Life is so repetitive or maybe I’m just doing something that I’m getting tired of, at first working in the accounting field was quite exciting because it’s a new environment and I’m learning a lot but over time I’m getting tired of how repetitive it is, I started to think that my life is such a waste if this is the thing that I’m going to do for the rest of my life. This work is so tiring with such little recognition, I have no problem with my work mates and bosses, it’s the company itself and its policies. I can feel and see the way people do things to be on top and to gain more money, it’s kind of sad because this is the real world and it’s slowly killing everything that I believe in just to survive and it’s also slowly killing me inside.

I’m still hoping though that everything will make perfect sense, I’m thankful for the support system that I got especially to my boyfriend even though we fight and argue a lot. I don’t usually see my friends nowadays, we are all “adulting” and I understand that. Growing up is quite sad, scary, exciting and a bunch of other emotions that it’s quite difficult to feel one emotion at a time that you feel it all at the same time lol.

Well, that’s all I can think of right now to share or should I say I’m just too lazy to write everything. Forgive this poor written entry, I just really missed writing and pouring my mind in here.

Joana x

ONE HOPEFUL THOUGHT

I had this thought then there goes another thought then another one, it’s endless. But then I came across one of these thoughts and my mind focused on that one single thought longer than the others which I thought was a great sign. I had this vision that maybe I’m experiencing this existential crisis for a reason like all of these mental and emotional break downs that I’m having has a reason, that maybe something really great is going to happen to me in the future and I’m experiencing this so that I can realize that life was worth living after all when that time comes. All of these bull—- are like the payments I have to make before I can achieve that contentment and true happiness in life but the question is when? When will this end? And when does that “great life” begins? As I question myself this one hopeful thought got covered as thousands of thoughts in my mind piled up. But just as I was writing this and remembering that single thought I said to myself “I’ll be alright.” 

TRY & SURVIVE

There are days where everything is alright and perfectly fine but deep down inside I know it’s not. There are days where I’m so hopeful and optimistic about life but yet I feel like I’m fooling myself. It’s a struggle to feel like this where you are doing great yet there’s something inside of you screams that you’re not okay. Like you’re going on your day, talking to your family, laughing with your friends but then you suddenly pause for a thought comes up and then there you are thinking deeply and just falls into silence. That’s how my day goes on every now and then. 
 
I’m like carrying two sides of myself the one that I show to everyone and the other one which I keep to myself that is somehow heavier. I hate it, it’s so tiring to live like this that there are moments where I think of ending it but I know I can’t but I somehow wish that someone will do me a big favor and just end it for me or is it too much? I know it sounds pathetic and I’m also tired of hearing that it will get better because no one really knows yet I’m still trying that’s all I can really do right now, try and survive.