Self-preservation is what I’ve been always trying to do to survive in this toxic environment. I need to protect myself in order to function, it sounds selfish but I need that and I think we all do. To be the best version of ourselves we need to take care of ourselves first and we all have that defense mechanism to protect our self-preservation from all the threats but what if that defense mechanism also push away the people that matters to us?

Defense mechanism is like a reflex to stimulus, we all have that in just different ways just to lessen the impact or the pain but sometimes it leads to causing pain to other people or worst losing them. Like, for me I always try to stay away from negativity because I have so much of that in me. I absorb negative vibes easily and it instantly changes my mood. So, when I sense somethings a little off I steer away quickly, it’s self-preservation. But what I don’t know is that it disappoints the people that I love because when they need me I kind of shut down my whole system, I push them away because I don’t want any more drama. I seem to look like I don’t care but I do, when it becomes too much it’s best for me to just stay away. I just don’t want to self-destruct.

I have this invisible bubble and I’m inside it. I don’t want to step out of it or let anyone step inside of it. I want to protect myself and at the same time protect the people around me. I thought it’s a win-win but it’s not. I wrote this and posted this almost two years ago Lifting Others While I’m Drowning it’s about helping others while you’re drowning in your own problems. It was exhausting living like that so I decided to just stay away from anybody’s business and just mind my own, it was healthy at first but I’ve learned that it sacrifices my relationship with my loved ones. But as I grow older I also understand now that you lose people when it becomes too toxic for the both of you, even if that person has been in your life ever since. I think it’s a matter of who you should keep and can tolerate in your life and who you should let go for the sake of your wellness.

In life it’s all about choices– choices for the betterment of our lives.

I conclude that defense mechanism is essential to our lives. It keeps us sane, it keeps us in control and it keeps us safe from intolerable pain. Always put your wellness before anything else, it’s not selfish.




Sometimes other people’s mentality surprises me not in the amazing way but in a way that makes you roll your eyes and makes you do a face-palm, I also can’t believe how shallow people can get like “are you serious?” — I sometimes want to be frank and just tell them to shut up (not really) but it sometimes annoys me and I try to remind myself to just breathe and just be understanding and respectful towards other people’s views until my feeling of annoyance subsides.
Okay, I have this person in my life who is very full of himself and sometimes his mentality on certain things are very shallow or sometimes he just sees the issue as one sided (his version only) I sometimes try to talk to him and respectfully point out his wrong or just state my point of view but when I sense that he’s not gonna let the issue go I’m the one who lets it go because I know I’m never gonna hear the end of it and I just hope that he’ll figure it out himself. I don’t know how you handle these kind of people, I sometimes just want to erase them in my life ’cause I think they’re toxic but I have a strong belief in kindness and these “toxic” people need more of that. I just have to double up my patience and understanding toward these kind of people or I probably should just forget about them, should I? 


Don’t rely on the words I say.
I’m a fraud, I utter words
that are not true.

Don’t ask too much from me.
I’m a mess and I might end up disappointing you.

Just stay away from me,
even when I try to approach you.
I’m toxic as hell for I even destroy
myself too. Registered & Protected