This Writing Is A Mess Just Like Me

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Am I the only one here who handles their emotions very well by not letting it show— on the outside everything seems so fine but deep inside everything is just a mess?

I’ve learned to close the gate of my emotions for the past couple of years. I once opened it and it drowned me, so I decided to contain it again and bottle it up. Well, let’s just say that I’m very conflicted on how I should deal with my emotions now since I’ve tried every ways but all of it has a downside.

I try to stay away from negative things and avoid conflicts, which surprisingly is a lot more toxic than I expected because the negativity will always be there unless I face it and solve it. Not caring is not an option, it is impossible to not care unless you’re a sociopath. Back then I tried to really bottled up all my emotions until I started spilling them out on friends. I kind of open up a vault and I couldn’t stop letting all these emotions out. Until, I tried to closed it again and since then I’ve been sort of okay with just minor changes. Before I used to be all about helping people with their problems like I go out of my way to be helpful and supportive. I literally don’t give a fuck about myself before and I would rather help others before I help myself. Right now, I feel myself changing day by day. I don’t know if I’m becoming more “selfish” but I try my best to stay away from negativity hence I became sort of cold hearted.

I remember seeing this photo from social media about how we become older we figuratively became smarter and wiser but as that happens our hearts also become smaller and colder. That photo was engraved in my mind because I find it true as I experience it. It started when I graduated college I was sent out to the “real world”. This chaotic life that I have to face for a lifetime. When you were still a student the world was somehow filtered, you get to have these ideas of what life would be like and in your mind it’s this awesome plan. I thought I just have to do these steps so I can have that dream but as it turns out it wasn’t that easy. I thought upon graduating I have all these tools to be remarkable but I have nothing. I’m just this another normal girl looking for a job. It went on from there learning that I was not that special and the world just sucks. Money is important even if you just want a simple life. All these negative information kind of piled up inside of me. I was once a hopeful and idealistic person who hopes for the best and sees something in good in everything. Now, I’m this skeptic person trying my best to get by and as much as possible protect my wellness.

It’s not that I don’t care about other people because I’m a huge a fan of kindness and empathy, if you have been reading from this blog for a while now you probably know that already. I promote checking on your loved ones and listening to their stories. But I’m also a fan of self-love. For me, I try to create this boundary with myself of being concern and being over-caring to other people’s emotions. I absorb negativity quickly that’s why I try to refrain myself of putting my nose in other people’s issues but at the same time I also want them to know that I am there for them. But these past couple of years I felt myself being cold. I stopped checking on people because I was so caught up with my own shit and I also became a jerk because I felt like I dealt with my problems on my own and I’m surviving and I started expecting other people to do the same. I’m turning into someone that I hated growing up, the kind of person that thinks everything is all in our heads and just wanted attention. I started realizing it that is why I’m writing this.

Like, I said from the beginning of this post I am conflicted on how I should deal with my emotions. I thought not dealing with it and avoiding to feel it was the best way but as it turns out I’m becoming a toxic person not just for myself but also for other people. I lost that sense of being empathic and sympathetic on others adversities. I wanted to bring my old self back but I know that it is impossible especially with all the things that I have experienced. I am this person because of it, I mean I learned a lot about how the world works even though it still disappoints me. I crave for my innocence back but I am not a child anymore and I should accept the fact that I have all these responsibilities now. I guess that is the source of my problem I wanted to be a kid again— carefree with no responsibility.

I feel like this writing is a mess. I feel like I have talked about everything that’s been bothering me when in fact I just want to talk about how I deal with my emotions but it led to different aspects of my life lol. Well, I guess that’s how it really goes when you have too many bottled up thoughts and emotions.

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Anyway,

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When Do We Compromise?

This post was written on November 2020

Compromising is very important in relationships, it’s one of the tools that makes it work. But when do we back down to consider and when do we stand our ground?

I have been watching Grey’s Anatomy for a couple of weeks now, I’m currently on season 10 and one of the story lines that’s been bothering me for awhile is Yang-Hunt’s story arc. ! SPOILER ALERT 🚨

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So, Cristina Yang and Owen Hunt have been my favorite problematic couple for awhile, they’ve been on and off. They were married and got divorced because of a plane crash accident but prior to that they’ve been having problems with their marriage, mainly because they have differences towards their future. Owen Hunt wanted to have a kid and Cristina Yang chose to abort their baby, and Owen has been keeping a grudge towards her wife ever since the incident. Over time Owen accepted that and wanted Cristina back, but Cristina has been having second thoughts because she believes that they’re going to end up where they left off, and she’s afraid that she’s never going to be enough for Owen, and Owen would probably ask for more that Cristina wouldn’t give her.

I’ve been frustrated on Cristina Yang’s character, she’s over confident, over achiever and so full of herself, and she always do what she wants, she’s been called a robot because all she cared about was being a top surgeon. But she has a soft spot as well, she stuck by Owen when he had PTSD and when he almost killed her. The only wrong thing they did was that they didn’t talk about their plans in the future before committing to each other. Now, Owen compromised his dream of having a kid and a family. He wants Cristina back but Cristina is afraid that Owen will suddenly change his mind. Cristina obviously still loves Owen but why couldn’t she just compromise or at least consider having a baby with Owen? But Owen gave up what he wants to be with Cristina, why couldn’t she do it for Owen?

Now, I kept thinking of when do we compromise? Are women more uptight than men? Do women want men to sacrifice more?

From personal experience, I am like Cristina in some sort of way, that’s why I kind of like her and hate her at the same time. I was used to being alone before I got into a serious relationship, I was used to doing things my way. I really adjusted in my relationship in ways like knowing that there’s someone I could depend on and I don’t really have to do everything on my own, and there is someone who also depends on me where we can both be there for each other. And there are moments that I know I have to compromise to not be the difficult one, and to just avoid arguments and blame on my part lol. But there are also times when I have to hold on to what I know is right for me that sometimes leads to making myself feel selfish. The dilemma starts there when you badly want to give it but you just can’t for some reason.

We were so used to guys courting girls for months to be their girlfriend especially in the Philippines, we make guys go through hoops of fire just to know if they’re sincere. We were used to guys putting more effort in the relationship, they compromise more. But it’s different for us women, when we fall in love, it’s deeper. Some do the same effort as guys do, buying gifts, arranging surprises etc. But all women give all of their feelings in the relationship, when we are in a relationship we are already compromised, most of us women have our guards up, we have walls and when we let a guy in and we lower our guards down it’s like a reflex thinking of “isn’t that enough?” without us really thinking about it. Most of us may not give you guys the moon or move mountains the same as you guys do but that doesn’t mean we are selfish. We’re compromising our feelings, we’re already vulnerable. Mind, body and soul of a woman is already yours when we fall in love. That’s why I think most of us girls are complicated because there’s too much emotions going through us. That’s why when guys cheat most of the women forgives easily and take their man back but when women cheat the relationship is already over and this is something that I’ve witnessed countless of times.

I rambled long enough through that one, I got all that emotions I was talking about lol. Going back to my question when do we compromise? I sincerely want to know.


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Why Do I Have Friends?

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I’m sitting here in my chair in front of my computer, and I’m suddenly thinking of why I have friends. Seriously, why do I have friends? If you met me, I don’t have the friendliest face in the world. I’m not going to be the first one who will initiate a conversation, I’m going to smile but I won’t be the first one who will say something. I can also be the most boring person at first because I’m not comfortable with a person that I barely know. And, now I’m thinking how did I get all of my friends to be my friend?

I’ve established in one of my post that I’m “the quiet one”, I don’t talk much if it’s not needed and I don’t know how you make friends if you’re not a talker but I have these friends that I talk nonsense things to nowadays, and most of them chose me to be their friend or they were stuck with me, either way it turned into genuine friendships. My friends and I have different personalities but same mindsets, and I’m lucky to have found people who are so different from me but also have a lot of similarities with. Honestly, making friends was always my problem back in school, every year I will be with different groups of students except in high school where I stayed with the same classmates for most of my high school life. I was always hoping someone would talk to me and be my friend, and that sort of happen year by year. And, in high school I met my best friend for almost 10 years now and in college that happened too, in short I had friends and I’m currently questioning that right now because I met myself, I think I’m a great person but I’m honestly not that friendly at first sight. I should probably ask them right?

Anyways, this is just some random thoughts and it made me feel grateful for my friends, who I consider my family as well. I’m actually more comfortable around them than my own family. And, thinking all about it, making friends is really important, these people are going to be one of your anchor and rock when things get tough or when you’re too conscious to talk about things with your family. Creating genuine friendships is one of the things that make this life bearable, it makes life easier, and it makes life fun. If you have this you’re very lucky and if you’re going through rough patches with your friends talk things through because you’ll need each other in this crazy life.


I had these thoughts along side listening to LANY’s song Where The Hell Are My Friends? I usually listen to this song when I’m feeling alone but the thoughts that I had was why do I have friends? lol.

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Christmas 2020

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December is my favorite month, it’s weird because most people usually has their birth month as their favorite month, I also love my birth month which is August because of the comfort I find in the rainy season but December is different, it’s a happy month. We all celebrate it around the world, with all the parties, the chaotic Christmas shopping, and just the whole festive vibe leading to Christmas day is just awesome. But this year is different and it’s feels weird to celebrate Christmas.

The year 2020 is such a horror, everything that we’ve been through this year is unbelievable, surviving the year full of breakdowns and disappointments is incredible for each and everyone of us. Ending the year with a celebration is just what we all deserve to have but I feel like not celebrating this year. It used to be so much fun when the month of December enters, I used to really feel the Christmas spirit like worrying what to wear in Christmas parties, deciding what to buy for Christmas presents, and just the whole planning with family and friends on what to do for Christmas. Right now, with the pandemic it’s all impossible to do when parties and gatherings are prohibited, when being close to each other is a risk. It’s really difficult to feel happy right now when a lot of people are battling this virus that made this year feel like hell. I really want to be in that Christmas spirit but when I try to go outside, it feels like just a normal day for everyone, it feels like everyone is also not feeling the spirit of Christmas. Anyways, it’s still days before Christmas day maybe this will change, who knows?

Sorry for the depressing writings these last few days, I promise to lighten it up on my next blog posts lol. I’ll just leave you with a classic Christmas song that I usually hear on the radio when I was young during Christmas time.

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Stay Healthy as You Can

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I just heard that a family friend of ours got sick and it has something to do with his liver, at first I felt really bad for him and he was a nice person but he drinks a lot. He starts his morning drinking beer then I started getting annoyed of the thought and I got quite mad at him. His loved ones are now worried because of it but I thought it isn’t a surprise for me why he got sick, just by looking at his lifestyle it was bound to happen and I’m frustrated of the thought of people living their life to the fullest by being reckless and irresponsible that their family gets to suffer because of it. I know how people say that it’s all about being happy and enjoying life but to what extent? Until your organs fail and you’re on your sick beds in your 40’s? Where your family spends their days worrying about you until you just die because you didn’t take care of yourself, you think you’re still young to be drinking till you drop and smoke until your lungs give up.

I hate to see family members of those sick people suffering because these sick people didn’t care about themselves. They think their body is stronger each year that they get older when it’s the opposite, our body becomes more fragile and our organs become more weaker as we get older that is why we need to take care of it. It’s not cool anymore to be getting drunk everyday when you’re in your 40’s. When you are at this age, it’s time to be more active in living a healthy lifestyle and it doesn’t only benefits you, it’s also for your family. It shows that you care about them and you want to live longer to be there with them and take care of them. Please don’t let your family suffer, take care of yourself for them.


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