The scars from the past are still covered up with plasters, and time didn’t do its job to heal the wound from the disasters that I had hoped would disappear but it’s a chip on my shoulders I can’t brush off, and its claws cling. Stitches are open and the pain lingers.
I was always the first one in line, for a prize I didn’t even need to try Now, I’m suddenly left behind. I’m back in the corner of a room trying to keep my head down and rushing to get out soon, watching the hands of the clock slowly turn to the time I can leave it feels like years, I feel so stuck. I often go back to these moments, the glory days of my care free life, the memories and what it all meant at the time, it was everything to me. Now, I’m sitting back in this chair thinking maybe this is all I’ll ever be.
It starts off lying in bed and letting out a big sigh like you just had an exhausting day then your eyes start to fixate on your ceiling like your whole life is written on it and you’re trying to read it but the words are scrambled. You’re trying to solve it and you realize that your eyes are glued to the ceiling or the ceiling is just getting closer to you, that’s the moment you realized that the ceiling collapsed and fallen on top of you, and while you’re also falling into this big black hole at the same time– you’re unable to move. You’re falling with tons of bricks on you, waiting for someone to either catch you or get the rocks off of you. But until then you just keep on falling and falling with no ground to fall onto.
I took a break from blogging for more than a week because I started getting tired of it. I decided to be active again on blogging when I quit my job a couple of months ago because I have nothing else to do. I was posting everyday and I was having fun with the whole process of it but I lose interest on things so quickly, that me being active on blogging for months became so tiring, it wasn’t because I was drained or it felt like a chore, I just lost my interest plus I was having my depression session at the same time. But I never stopped writing even when I was taking a break, I was just too lazy to post it, I lost the interest in the process of blogging. Blogging is not a two-step process that when you write you just hit publish right away, there’s more to it and I lost interest in doing all of that. So, I needed to step away from it for a while to regain that interest then I kind of started comparing it to my relationships.
My relationship with blogging is like any other relationship I have with the people in my life. I love them but I need space from them, I need some time away from them. I need to regain interest to spend time with them, and to actually miss talking to them. And, I guess it’s also like that for me when it comes to blogging, I love it but when I do it in a long consistent time it becomes “boring” because it’s repetitive. And if you keep doing things over and over again it becomes uninteresting to the point it becomes dreadful and I don’t want that to happen. Distance makes the heart grow fonder right? 😉
I had lots of trouble keeping my blogging schedule for the longest time, and I still don’t know how to handle this blog for now but all I’m saying is expect that I will have this sudden breaks every now and then lol.
Anyways, I missed this space so I will get back to reading your blogs yay! 🤗