This Writing Is A Mess Just Like Me

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Am I the only one here who handles their emotions very well by not letting it show— on the outside everything seems so fine but deep inside everything is just a mess?

I’ve learned to close the gate of my emotions for the past couple of years. I once opened it and it drowned me, so I decided to contain it again and bottle it up. Well, let’s just say that I’m very conflicted on how I should deal with my emotions now since I’ve tried every ways but all of it has a downside.

I try to stay away from negative things and avoid conflicts, which surprisingly is a lot more toxic than I expected because the negativity will always be there unless I face it and solve it. Not caring is not an option, it is impossible to not care unless you’re a sociopath. Back then I tried to really bottled up all my emotions until I started spilling them out on friends. I kind of open up a vault and I couldn’t stop letting all these emotions out. Until, I tried to closed it again and since then I’ve been sort of okay with just minor changes. Before I used to be all about helping people with their problems like I go out of my way to be helpful and supportive. I literally don’t give a fuck about myself before and I would rather help others before I help myself. Right now, I feel myself changing day by day. I don’t know if I’m becoming more “selfish” but I try my best to stay away from negativity hence I became sort of cold hearted.

I remember seeing this photo from social media about how we become older we figuratively became smarter and wiser but as that happens our hearts also become smaller and colder. That photo was engraved in my mind because I find it true as I experience it. It started when I graduated college I was sent out to the “real world”. This chaotic life that I have to face for a lifetime. When you were still a student the world was somehow filtered, you get to have these ideas of what life would be like and in your mind it’s this awesome plan. I thought I just have to do these steps so I can have that dream but as it turns out it wasn’t that easy. I thought upon graduating I have all these tools to be remarkable but I have nothing. I’m just this another normal girl looking for a job. It went on from there learning that I was not that special and the world just sucks. Money is important even if you just want a simple life. All these negative information kind of piled up inside of me. I was once a hopeful and idealistic person who hopes for the best and sees something in good in everything. Now, I’m this skeptic person trying my best to get by and as much as possible protect my wellness.

It’s not that I don’t care about other people because I’m a huge a fan of kindness and empathy, if you have been reading from this blog for a while now you probably know that already. I promote checking on your loved ones and listening to their stories. But I’m also a fan of self-love. For me, I try to create this boundary with myself of being concern and being over-caring to other people’s emotions. I absorb negativity quickly that’s why I try to refrain myself of putting my nose in other people’s issues but at the same time I also want them to know that I am there for them. But these past couple of years I felt myself being cold. I stopped checking on people because I was so caught up with my own shit and I also became a jerk because I felt like I dealt with my problems on my own and I’m surviving and I started expecting other people to do the same. I’m turning into someone that I hated growing up, the kind of person that thinks everything is all in our heads and just wanted attention. I started realizing it that is why I’m writing this.

Like, I said from the beginning of this post I am conflicted on how I should deal with my emotions. I thought not dealing with it and avoiding to feel it was the best way but as it turns out I’m becoming a toxic person not just for myself but also for other people. I lost that sense of being empathic and sympathetic on others adversities. I wanted to bring my old self back but I know that it is impossible especially with all the things that I have experienced. I am this person because of it, I mean I learned a lot about how the world works even though it still disappoints me. I crave for my innocence back but I am not a child anymore and I should accept the fact that I have all these responsibilities now. I guess that is the source of my problem I wanted to be a kid again— carefree with no responsibility.

I feel like this writing is a mess. I feel like I have talked about everything that’s been bothering me when in fact I just want to talk about how I deal with my emotions but it led to different aspects of my life lol. Well, I guess that’s how it really goes when you have too many bottled up thoughts and emotions.

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Anyway,

I have finally updated our blog directory. It was so overdue and I apologize for that so please feel free to check our blog directory and discover new blogs to read and follow. 😊

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Leakage

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Colors leaking outside of me, a once active
imagination now unable to see and create
tales as lively as before, I now live inside
a dying world with a dried up source
never knowing when it will replenish
or should I just accept that soon every
story inside of me will somehow perish?


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It Dies With Me…

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To all the things I never said out loud,
the ones I spent daydreaming about.
I put in a box and no one knows.
It’s in my chest and it’s always close.
It’s in the coffin I buried and nailed—
it’s the heavy breath I deeply exhale.
I do not know how it still follows me,
the regrets, the failed fantasies—
all of it will eventually die with me.


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Art Is What We Live For

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I was browsing through several art accounts on Instagram and I’ve also been watching time lapse videos of artists’ acrylic paintings. While watching I was so amazed and it’s so comforting as well, and suddenly I started wondering why growing up we were so discouraged to pursue art as a career.

We were encouraged to get a business course or become a lawyer, doctor, pilot, or any other career as long as it does not include art and self-expression. I remembered when I was young I wanted to become a teacher and then it changed to having to do with arts, I was a member of the arts club when I was in grade school. I really loved writing and drawing back then but people around me kept saying “there’s no money in art” “it’s an unstable career” but looking back with my realizations now, art is what keeps us sane. Art is what keeps us inspired. We all need a creative outlet, it is a healthy way to release stress and it is also an effective way to express yourself when you can’t in the usual way. But why do the society belittle people who has dreams of becoming an artist?

But when you look at it, when you make it big it pays out well. Look at the famous writers, singers, actors some of them are the wealthiest people in the world. So, I keep wondering why the society belittle artists when they sit in their homes enjoying Netflix or playing video games when all of these came from art?

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Suddenly The Lights Are Up And Bright | Importance of Changing Perspective

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It is easy to absorb negativity from this world and generation we currently live in. It is easy to fall and give in to criticisms and setbacks. It is truly a sensitive world right now where it’s quite difficult to keep a positive attitude. We are all aware of what is happening around us through different channels that is conveniently available to us. Therefore, we developed a high sense of consciousness towards everything that we do; is this acceptable by the society? Am I doing it right? etc. These internal monologue we often do leads to insecurities that also leads to a negative impact in the way we perceive our day-to-day approach and decisions.

In today’s time everything feels like a race, everyone wants to achieve a certain milestone in lesser time. Like, at 25 I need to have this and that, and by 45 or 50 I should retire. It’s amazing how everyone has these types of goals in their life but it also sets unrealistic standards and goals for some. Especially to those who are not given the same privilege. I get it how people say that putting hard work pays off but not everyone is given the same opportunities. Like, in this society that often looks at a prestigious background of applicants—those who came from a top 4 universities already has the upper hand apart from those who graduated from a university that most people haven’t even heard before. Employers won’t weigh who’s more of a hard worker, they will pick or give initial screening based from their resumes. It is an unfair world and you can’t really say that you just have to work hard, those who are underprivileged needs to work twice as hard if they want to meet such standards.

Having these factors weigh in on your life; the unfair society, the criticisms, the pressure, and the comparisons, why would you add a negative thinking to all of that? It is difficult to overcome all of that and it is much more difficult when yourself adds on to that weight by thinking that you can’t overcome challenges and when you think that nothing is going your way. It’s so important today to change perspective and see everything as just another challenge and another problem to solve, and not a wall or a boundary that stops you. I see a lot of people being so negative that they just sulk in the corner and wait for a miracle to happen.

One thing I have realized in my 24 years of existence is that you are your worst enemy. And for the past years I have learned how important it is to have a positive outlook. Okay, I am not saying that you should be positive all the time because that is unhealthy. It is important that you acknowledge every emotions that you have. What I mean from a positive outlook is that you still look forward to things, you see challenges as a learning opportunity or something that will contribute to your personal growth. After having that setback you should channel that to be more motivated to start again. During this pandemic, I quit my previous job and I was unemployed for half a year. I was on and off from being depressed and anxious to being productive. I was in this crazy mental state on whether I should give up since everything slowed down or I should fight my usual depressed self. I chose the latter, I started up being active on this blog again as part of the plan to stay productive, I became more active with my chores. I chose to act rather than to sit and sulk.

Changing perspective isn’t overnight. I guess for me it happened in a time where the world suddenly stopped and changed its’ usual ways. I had a lot of time to introspect without any distractions and everything really slowed down that I caught up with my thoughts. I felt like there’s something inside my brain that suddenly lightens up and I somehow see my life more clearly than I did before. There’s suddenly that excitement to move forward. I turned my cynical self into a hopeful and ideal type of person (sort of).

You are your biggest cheerleader

and achieving a positive perspective is very beneficial in this life where everything suddenly feels possible and within your reach. It is a confirmation that

yourself is indeed your worst enemy but also yourself is your greatest friend that will help you overcome everything.

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