WAITING FOR 5PM

I’m sitting in front of this desk

and I couldn’t care any less

about all these “important” mess

that they pay me to process.

MY GIGANTIC THOUGHT BUBBLE POPPED!

It’s been months since I last posted in here and from those times that I wasn’t posting here I always tell myself that I’m going to write something but I end up feeling tired and just keep the words I intend to write in my mind instead.
 
Today is Sunday and it’s raining, it’s the start of the rainy season from where I am and it’s my favorite season and type of weather. I was lying in my bed and I just feel really comfortable that I just want to stay in bed all day and just listen to the sound of the rain but then I had the urge to grab my notebook and just write. So I did, I wanted to write about the times that I was not writing and the reason why I was not writing.
 
I always blamed my job for taking all of my time, it’s impossible to juggle relationships, sleep and other stuff after work. But then I realized that it was not really about the amount of time I need to allot to write, it was about how I was supposed to write. Writing for me is where you pour your emotions out and it’s a way to vent out and lately I have no emotions left to pour that I felt my words will no longer have meaning when I write it with no feelings at all. It’s the true feeling of numbness and emptiness that I don’t feel anything at all, even the type of pain that you can feel in your chest is gone. It’s like I got tired of everything and I just accept everything that is happening and I’m not making any efforts at all. I used to care so much and now I’m just losing interest in everything that I once loved doing and that includes writing.

How am I supposed to write when I can no longer feel anything? When I can no longer put words to what I’m thinking?

That’s where my Gigantic Thought Bubbled popped! I keep wondering if the-not-feeling-anything part is just the effect of growing up and adulthood because if it is I don’t want it anymore, I just want to freeze time.

I want to do something about it and I want to write again even about the dumbest thing that I can think about and I kind of lost my poetic side as well and I want to bring it back. I’m writing again and I will try my best to post regularly because I just want to bring back my old self or even just a part of myself where I once cared.

Joana x

P.S. How is everyone? I miss reading your blogs. 🙂

LATE NIGHT QUESTIONS | HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE HAPPY WITH THEIR CURRENT JOBS? 

I’m a huge fan of F.R.I.E.N.D.S and there are moments where out of nowhere a certain scene or phrase from the show suddenly pops into my head like recently when we were in a hotel room I suddenly remember the time Ross and Chandler stayed at a hotel and took every possible hotel amenities they could get lol well it also happens in random shows/movies/songs/memories like I’ll just remember a random memory from the past for no reason and lately a specific scene from F.R.I.E.N.D.S got stuck in my head, it was the one where Chandler quitted his job that he hated and he sort of pointed out that everybody hates their jobs then everybody disagreed and said that they love their jobs. Got me thinking what percentage of people actually love what they’re doing and actually enjoy their jobs? 

It is a norm in this society to get a job to be able to provide the needs and wants for one’s self or in short we work for money and most people follow the path where it can give them more money but do they love what they do? I contemplate a lot about this and about getting a job because I’m entering the “real world” and I don’t want to be stuck in doing something that I don’t like, I know money is important but I don’t want to be one of those people who surrender their whole life just by earning money, I know you have to pay bills and other stuff and it may be irrational or unreasonable to say that I don’t care how much I make as long as I’m doing what I love and what I’m passionate about. I’m a dreamer I know, I should slap myself and just wake up but I don’t want to sacrifice my entire life and happiness to doing something meaningless. 

Well, that’s what’s bugging me for tonight. Good night.