My Complicated Faith And Beliefs

Hi everyone, today I’m going to tell you a story about my faith. I’ve been struggling to form my words to explain my faith, I will try my best. Here it goes.

I grew up as a roman catholic, I went to a catholic school both grade school and high school. So, I grew up in a very conservative practices, and I used to be a bible reading type of person. That part of me even grew more when I entered my college life, the pressure of being a young adult was coming down on me. My depressive state was getting worse, so I turned to God’s words or any self-help words that I could clung onto, just to save myself from drowning in my own self-destructive thoughts. I was always finding ways to escape my miserable life, and the stuff you read in the bible was very helpful. I used to have the bible app on my phone, and any self-help apps that uses verses in the bible to help enriched our lives. I even wrote a blog post about it. I was a big God’s fan.

But everything changed when I graduated and I got a job. Like, I said in my other post. I experienced what life really was. I realized how shitty it could really get, as time goes by and along that journey, I finally accepted it— life sucks (sometimes). And along that path of acceptance was also the path where I let go of my old ways, even letting go of the things that I was passionate about. I stopped writing, reading, and all the other things that I used to loved doing for awhile. I stopped doing the things that I used to do every time I felt like life was knocking me down. Because I accepted how life is, and I felt like I no longer need the words of others to lift me up, I found my own take on life.

Now, you may see this as I developed a narcissistic way of living my life. NO. I just found a new approach on how to deal with life, and to also trust myself more. I mean we are all just trying to get through life, right? We have our own ways. I guess, I used to go to God back then because I have no one telling me what to do. He was my rope that I held onto. And it sucks to view it this way, but I changed ways, and found another rope to hold onto. But this doesn’t mean that I lost my faith. I still believe in Him, and I know God is real. I just have my own ways to show that. We all have our own relationship with God, mine is just different from the traditional ways. For a better understanding on my relationship with God, it’s like this. I see God as a parent, He guides me, He’s there for me always. But as a child, I grow up, I go my own way, and start doing things on my own. But I still love my parent even if at times, it seems like I don’t. (Does that makes any sense? Lol)

As we’re on this topic, might as well talk about religion. This is the part where I’m a bit hesitant to share, and you’ll know why. Whatever I am going to state here is just my own belief, I’m not asking you to believe whatever I say. I respect everyone’s own beliefs.

I don’t see myself as a roman catholic now, it’s all just in papers. I don’t see myself being part of any religion. I don’t believe in religions, and I never really consider myself as a religious type of person even back then where I was a bible reading person, that for me are very different from each other. I don’t go to church anymore because I believe you can talk to God anytime and anywhere. And religions just separate people, it doesn’t bring people together, it even makes a subject of wars. Another thing, I also used to read the bible because I used to believe it makes you a good person but I don’t know if I would still believe it, when most religious-church-goer-bible-reading people that I met was also the most judgmental people I have met in my life. It’s like they do this practices just to be saved, they go to church to erase their sins, when people could just live with kindness and empathy from the start as I believe that’s what God wants right?

We all grew up believing in something but that changes throughout life, and you start to have your own interpretation on things. My faith was something that I was very insecure to talk about because not a lot of people understand. When some people don’t share the same beliefs, they judge each other. I think money, politics and religion are some topics of conversations that can get us into a fight, that is why we mostly don’t openly talk about it unless we’re drunk. Anyways, that’s the end of this story, I don’t really know how to end this. So…

The end.


Oh, share your thoughts in the comments, share your beliefs and faith as well. Let’s start a healthy discussion about this.


Related Post:
THE BIBLE APP
WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS… | 01
I DON’T BELIEVE IN GOD


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5 Tattoos I Have And What It Means

This is a follow up post from 5 Random Facts About Me That No One Asks For. Some of you asked me about my tattoos, here it is. 😄 I don’t have the greatest tattoos but it really means a lot to me.

I have a total of 5 small tattoos now. I became fascinated with tattoos because of my sister, and from the bands that I listened to back then. I thought they were really cool to look at, and I was just really curious what it was like to have it.


1. Puzzle piece with branches and birds

This was my first tattoo, I got it when I was 17. I’m not really that proud of it, most of my tattoos were just based on impulse. I was torn between having a puzzle piece, trees, or birds and I stumbled upon this design that got it all.

The story behind this is very dramatic 😅 I was 17, I got all that teen angst lol. Anyways, people assume that having this tattoo is me finding a missing puzzle piece in my life but no. The single puzzle piece is me, being alone trying to fit in and wanting to belong. The branches represents the growth in me and the birds are just for freedom. I don’t really want to expound on that, I find it too cheesy 😆.

I’ve written about it years ago, you can read it more here: THINGS I’M TIRED OF HEARING BECAUSE OF MY TATTOO


2. Truce with wings

This is a Twenty One Pilots’ song that really means a lot to me, I love Twenty One Pilots, this band means a lot to me. There was this line in the song where most people get as a tattoo “The sun will rise and we will try again”. I was not really open about my mental health back then, like I said in my story, I bottled up my emotions. And that line from the song gives that away. So, I got the song title instead which is very cryptic just the way I like it. I remember Tyler Joseph, explaining this title which was like, he’s been battling with himself and now he’s saying truce to himself (or something like that), and that really got to me.

When I got this tattoo, everybody was asking me what it meant. And I’ve always been saying “it’s a song from Twenty One Pilots, just listen to it”. The meaning of the song is the meaning of the tattoo itself. 😊

I wrote a little piece about it here: TRUCE


3. Cross

This tattoo represents my faith. I want to talk more about my faith but I’m still trying to form words where I can explain my beliefs further. It’s kind of a messy story, and I will save it in a more elaborate post.


4. Rose

This tattoo doesn’t really mean anything, I just really wanted it lol. But then my boyfriend got one for himself and now it looks like we got matching tattoos 🙄, and it suddenly meant something.


5. Lotus flower

I really like the term rooted from mud, and lotus is that flower. It grows from the dirtiest waters but it blooms. It’s cheesy but I feel like a lotus most times, I feel like I’m always in the mud of sadness and dirty water of darkness but I still grow.


Those are my tattoos, they are not the best ones but it really means a lot. Sometimes when you get a tattoo, it’s not really the outcome that you crave for, it’s the experience and feeling of getting it. 😊 If you’ve been wanting to get a tattoo, don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid of what the society might say, we’re progressing anyway. A lot more people are very fond of people having tattoos nowadays and if they aren’t, screw them. 😆

Do you have any tattoos? Share the story of it in the comments. 😊


Related Posts:

5 Random Facts About Me That No One Asks For
There Will Be A Turning Point | Sharing My Story
THINGS I’M TIRED OF HEARING BECAUSE OF MY TATTOO
TRUCE
FRANK FRIDAY|02
I LOVE TWENTY ONE PILOTS


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LOST WRITINGS | 01 – A LETTER FROM A SINNER

THESE ARE THE LOST WRITINGS WHERE UNPUBLISHED AND FORGOTTEN POETRY FINALLY COMES TO LIGHT.

A Letter From A Sinner

I sit and ponder
as my skies grow darker
and clouds start to form
I’m in the middle of this storm

Enticing a lightning with a rod,
“come and strike me”, I call up above
come swoop me in a bliss of your mercy
just come and take me.

You had your fun
watching me on the run
Haven’t I suffered enough?
You had your laugh
but end it now
and I’ll take my vow
to surrender to your grace
please end this craze
of mine.

I am not fine
yet everybody acts
like they’re so kind.
Asking “how are you?”
they haven’t got a clue.
“I’m okay.”
that’s what I’ll say
Maybe this is the price
I have to pay
for all the sins
that I have made.
For the times
I didn’t praise
your name.

Now, my darkest hours
are here to stay.
I’m on my knees
with my face
full of tears.
I ask for your grace
and here I pray.


I wrote a bunch of poetry back in 2017, it was all over the place so I finally retrieved it from my old broken laptop and some were from my old journal pages that I may have forgotten about.

For the next few days I decided to publish some of it here since I am currently uninspired to write. So, forgive these old words that I hope you’ll like.

WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS… | 01

My view in spirituality, religion and faith are so complicated as of the moment but I’m trying and I’ve been reading the Bible again, so every now and then I’m going to share some things I read in the Bible that speaks to me.

For the first Bible verse I’m going to share, it’s from Luke 12:22-23

“Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.”

There’ll be times when we’re going to be consumed by our worries about our lives and how we’re going to keep up with the society but the Bible says that there’s more to life than food, clothes, money etc. and that we should first seek for God’s kingdom and righteousness and all of these things will follow and for that we shouldn’t worry too much. 

Also, the Bible says in Matthew 6:27 

“Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” 

We shouldn’t waste time worrying because it doesn’t really help us in anyway, will it add up to the lifetime we have here? For all I know it will just shorten the time we have. 

So, I guess what I’m sharing to all of you today is to not worry too much and that’s coming from God. 😊

I SURRENDER

​Walking blind around these streets without guidance of a stick. I bump walls and sometimes falls. I ask why and often cry. I lose faith and sometimes hate the way my life is. Why don’t you just take this? 

Oh Father, I haven’t been a good daughter, out of doing good or taking the easy way, I chose the latter. Oh I’m a sinner, yes I know. I’m in drought need of water to refresh my soul, I was ready to fall until I heard your call. Is there any chance for me to be forgiven? Even when I’m on the edge of blasphemy? Yes, I know I’m not worthy but here I am surrendering myself, take everything I have left.