Self-preservation is what I’ve been always trying to do to survive in this toxic environment. I need to protect myself in order to function, it sounds selfish but I need that and I think we all do. To be the best version of ourselves we need to take care of ourselves first and we all have that defense mechanism to protect our self-preservation from all the threats but what if that defense mechanism also push away the people that matters to us?

Defense mechanism is like a reflex to stimulus, we all have that in just different ways just to lessen the impact or the pain but sometimes it leads to causing pain to other people or worst losing them. Like, for me I always try to stay away from negativity because I have so much of that in me. I absorb negative vibes easily and it instantly changes my mood. So, when I sense somethings a little off I steer away quickly, it’s self-preservation. But what I don’t know is that it disappoints the people that I love because when they need me I kind of shut down my whole system, I push them away because I don’t want any more drama. I seem to look like I don’t care but I do, when it becomes too much it’s best for me to just stay away. I just don’t want to self-destruct.

I have this invisible bubble and I’m inside it. I don’t want to step out of it or let anyone step inside of it. I want to protect myself and at the same time protect the people around me. I thought it’s a win-win but it’s not. I wrote this and posted this almost two years ago Lifting Others While I’m Drowning it’s about helping others while you’re drowning in your own problems. It was exhausting living like that so I decided to just stay away from anybody’s business and just mind my own, it was healthy at first but I’ve learned that it sacrifices my relationship with my loved ones. But as I grow older I also understand now that you lose people when it becomes too toxic for the both of you, even if that person has been in your life ever since. I think it’s a matter of who you should keep and can tolerate in your life and who you should let go for the sake of your wellness.

In life it’s all about choices– choices for the betterment of our lives.

I conclude that defense mechanism is essential to our lives. It keeps us sane, it keeps us in control and it keeps us safe from intolerable pain. Always put your wellness before anything else, it’s not selfish.




You think you know a lot about a person, think twice because you don’t. 
We’re all fakers, we only show and say things that we want people to know about us— we all have secrets and that’s what makes us unique, it fuels that mysterious souls within us. They say that we have three personalities: (1) the one we show to our family, (2) the one we show to our friends and (3) the one that we only know about. And I think the third one is the most interesting one because it’s the real us and it’s quite sad that we ourselves are the only one who knows about that personality. We hide that personality because we’re afraid of all the judgments which is reasonable in this society but would it be nice to show others the real us without judgments? What a dream. 
Anyway, most people think they know a person just because of the stories they tell them or how they act around them, they put a label on them just because of all of that. Yes, you may know them because of that but the truth is you probably know nothing about the “real” them— there are a lot more stories behind every person, there is a deeper level in a person that they don’t show to anyone not even themselves. There are a different versions of everyone so be careful of your judgments and don’t put a person in a box.
P.S. I’m not saying you should doubt everyone this is just me, a person who has a serious trust issues. I don’t easily believe what’s on the surface.