How could you let your inner chaos spill and ruin what we have created here. From fragments of ourselves cut to pieces, our nail draws and our blood smears the intimacy we once had— forever lost? We still cling to something that isn’t there hoping to find a reason and another cause and go back from the beginning and be bared, be stripped back from all the lies and pain that was brought by mistrusts and blames. Foundation built for years was demolished. Now, debris are falling on our dented shield. How could we both let it get this far? Is there anyway to salvage this love of ours?
Am I the only one here who handles their emotions very well by not letting it show— on the outside everything seems so fine but deep inside everything is just a mess?
I’ve learned to close the gate of my emotions for the past couple of years. I once opened it and it drowned me, so I decided to contain it again and bottle it up. Well, let’s just say that I’m very conflicted on how I should deal with my emotions now since I’ve tried every ways but all of it has a downside.
I try to stay away from negative things and avoid conflicts, which surprisingly is a lot more toxic than I expected because the negativity will always be there unless I face it and solve it. Not caring is not an option, it is impossible to not care unless you’re a sociopath. Back then I tried to really bottled up all my emotions until I started spilling them out on friends. I kind of open up a vault and I couldn’t stop letting all these emotions out. Until, I tried to closed it again and since then I’ve been sort of okay with just minor changes. Before I used to be all about helping people with their problems like I go out of my way to be helpful and supportive. I literally don’t give a fuck about myself before and I would rather help others before I help myself. Right now, I feel myself changing day by day. I don’t know if I’m becoming more “selfish” but I try my best to stay away from negativity hence I became sort of cold hearted.
I remember seeing this photo from social media about how we become older we figuratively became smarter and wiser but as that happens our hearts also become smaller and colder. That photo was engraved in my mind because I find it true as I experience it. It started when I graduated college I was sent out to the “real world”. This chaotic life that I have to face for a lifetime. When you were still a student the world was somehow filtered, you get to have these ideas of what life would be like and in your mind it’s this awesome plan. I thought I just have to do these steps so I can have that dream but as it turns out it wasn’t that easy. I thought upon graduating I have all these tools to be remarkable but I have nothing. I’m just this another normal girl looking for a job. It went on from there learning that I was not that special and the world just sucks. Money is important even if you just want a simple life. All these negative information kind of piled up inside of me. I was once a hopeful and idealistic person who hopes for the best and sees something in good in everything. Now, I’m this skeptic person trying my best to get by and as much as possible protect my wellness.
It’s not that I don’t care about other people because I’m a huge a fan of kindness and empathy, if you have been reading from this blog for a while now you probably know that already. I promote checking on your loved ones and listening to their stories. But I’m also a fan of self-love. For me, I try to create this boundary with myself of being concern and being over-caring to other people’s emotions. I absorb negativity quickly that’s why I try to refrain myself of putting my nose in other people’s issues but at the same time I also want them to know that I am there for them. But these past couple of years I felt myself being cold. I stopped checking on people because I was so caught up with my own shit and I also became a jerk because I felt like I dealt with my problems on my own and I’m surviving and I started expecting other people to do the same. I’m turning into someone that I hated growing up, the kind of person that thinks everything is all in our heads and just wanted attention. I started realizing it that is why I’m writing this.
Like, I said from the beginning of this post I am conflicted on how I should deal with my emotions. I thought not dealing with it and avoiding to feel it was the best way but as it turns out I’m becoming a toxic person not just for myself but also for other people. I lost that sense of being empathic and sympathetic on others adversities. I wanted to bring my old self back but I know that it is impossible especially with all the things that I have experienced. I am this person because of it, I mean I learned a lot about how the world works even though it still disappoints me. I crave for my innocence back but I am not a child anymore and I should accept the fact that I have all these responsibilities now. I guess that is the source of my problem I wanted to be a kid again— carefree with no responsibility.
I feel like this writing is a mess. I feel like I have talked about everything that’s been bothering me when in fact I just want to talk about how I deal with my emotions but it led to different aspects of my life lol. Well, I guess that’s how it really goes when you have too many bottled up thoughts and emotions.
I have finally updated our blog directory. It was so overdue and I apologize for that so please feel free to check our blog directory and discover new blogs to read and follow. 😊
Colors leaking outside of me, a once active imagination now unable to see and create tales as lively as before, I now live inside a dying world with a dried up source never knowing when it will replenish or should I just accept that soon every story inside of me will somehow perish?
Okay, I think most of you know how I love Taylor Swift so much and if you don’t know that yet now you do.
Big Red Machine released a song featuring Taylor Swift but she sang all the words lol. It’s called Renegade. To think that Taylor probably wrote all the words she can think of and all the stories she can tell and sing about by now— we’re wrong. Renegade is the sister of Long Story Short from Evermore in terms of the melody but in terms of the lyrics she haven’t written in this type of perspective and relationship before (I think). Renegade is the song I’ve been wanting to write about for so long now but I was too conscious to try because it talks about mental health and the toxicity it surrounds.
Renegade is about a certain relationship where one is going through personal challenges that hinders them to be the best version of themselves and prevent them from giving their partner the kind of love that they deserve. This is the kind of relationship where the other person is torn between weathering it out or just leave for the sake of their own mental health but there’s the thought of how they can be selfish especially when they know that their partner is going through a difficult time for them to just leave. I’ve been wanting to write from this perspective but I just don’t know how I should say that understanding someone dealing with their mental health can sometimes be too overwhelming to the point that being around them can also affect our own mental health. We stay because we feel guilty of leaving them in that state even when it starts hurting us too, we endure that to make it work and hope that one day that person will realize that they need to fix themself, and finally get that kind of love we expect from them.
Taylor Swift wrote it in ways that I wish I wrote it first lol. She worded it out with such honesty that when I first listened to this song it hit me so hard, and I couldn’t believed that she wrote this.
“I tapped on your window on your darkest night The shape of you was jagged and weak There was nowhere for me to stay, but I stayed anyway”
I relate this with how in a relationship there’s a point that we still feel like we’re still on the outside looking in on our partner’s life. And in this case I imagined how it’s a recurring experience where one was so guarded, problematic, and closed off in that relationship. And when it’s a thing that happen again and again it can lead to second thoughts of whether one should stay or just leave but often times there’s still that hope that it will get better someday for one to decide to stay. There are a lot of people who stay because of “potential” which is a very conflicting attitude towards everything. I loved that she used “tapping on a window” as a metaphor for that one.
“You wouldn’t be the first renegade to need somebody.”
I interpret the term “renegade” in this song as a traitor to one’s self. As this song obviously talks about a lover who’s dealing with their personal issues and for me I relate it with mental health. When a person deals with anxiety or depression they tend to abandon their confidence in themselves. The person singing this song clearly feels exhausted in this relationship to say this line, that they are not the only one dealing with that kind of problem.
“Is it insensitive for me to say, “Get your shit together so I can love you?” Is it really your anxiety that stops you from giving me everything? Or do you just not want to?”
This is what I was too conscious to talk about. Having mental health problems is one thing but being with someone dealing with their own mental health problems is another thing. It can be too overwhelming and for someone it can also be toxic. Like, what Taylor wrote she acknowledges how it can be viewed as being insensitive to ask for their partner to fix themself. She also questioned is it really their personal issues stopping them from loving them fully or is she not worth it for that love.
“You fire off missiles ’cause you hate yourself But do you know you’re demolishing me? And then you squeeze my hand as I’m about to leave”
Oh my gosh my favorite line in the song. People with mental health problems can sadly be self-centered (talking from experience) they can be too occupied from hating themselves that they don’t realize that they’re hurting the people around them too. And then I interpreted the “squeeze my hand” part as saying that “everything will be okay, please be patient with me”. It’s that hope that your partner gives as you’re about to decide to leave. Like, asking you to wait just a little more because they know you’re exhausted in that relationship.
Dealing with mental health problems is very complicated. So, please stop romanticizing the idea of two broken people fixing each other or even just one broken person being fixed by their lover. It can take a lot out of a person to have this kind of a relationship.
This song is written perfectly in my opinion. I don’t know how Taylor keeps impressing me with her song writing for so many years now. Her songwriting ages well. You can also tell how much I dissected this song. You can also tell how I read into words too much especially when it’s a Taylor Swift song lol.