So Fucking Sad

photo grab from google image
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The sudden thoughts of failing before even starting. The unclear image of the future. The part where everything that you do eventually crumbles down. And feeling alone through it all. These thoughts makes you lie down and curl up on the bed, trying to pull what’s inside your chest while your swollen eyes can’t tear up anymore.

Have you ever felt so fucking sad that your heart feels like it’s going to explode any moment?


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Hellooooooo

It’s been quite a while I know. This is my first post for this year. Life has been quite overwhelming the last few months. I got a job then left 6 months after to start a business. I have this path but I keep taking turns to see more of what’s out there. I feel lost but I’m quite enjoying the adventure. Life has been hard, problems arise especially when you have a lot of time to spare. I kept imagining and thinking of how to meet expectations. I’m getting older and I’m not even on half of the things that I wanted to achieve. I know life is not a race but often times I kept wondering of why I’m not moving even though I’m already running. There were times when the thought of giving up creeps into my mind but I’m glad that the thought of pursuing my goals is greater.

My Gigantic Thought Bubble has been inactive for quite some time now because my mind found its way to filter the negative thoughts in a healthier way. I started this blog for the sole purpose of having an outlet. Lately, the thoughts has been manageable to deal with and writing has been my friend for such a long time especially when things were not okay but right now things are okay. And also, I found a way to be more open of how I feel with the people around me. As cliche as it may sound it’s true when they say that “it gets better” but challenges are always going to show up and test you.

I’m returning to my writing habit… again lol. We’ll see from here. See you around.

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Salvaged Love

Photo via Canva
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How could you let your inner chaos spill
and ruin what we have created here.
From fragments of ourselves cut to pieces,
our nail draws and our blood smears
the intimacy we once had— forever lost?
We still cling to something that isn’t there
hoping to find a reason and another cause
and go back from the beginning and be bared,
be stripped back from all the lies and pain
that was brought by mistrusts and blames.
Foundation built for years was demolished.
Now, debris are falling on our dented shield.
How could we both let it get this far?
Is there anyway to salvage this love of ours?


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Not Alone

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I was born free,
you can never
tie me down
or maybe they
just let me be
live independently
I just never known
what it’s really like
to not be alone.


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This Writing Is A Mess Just Like Me

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Am I the only one here who handles their emotions very well by not letting it show— on the outside everything seems so fine but deep inside everything is just a mess?

I’ve learned to close the gate of my emotions for the past couple of years. I once opened it and it drowned me, so I decided to contain it again and bottle it up. Well, let’s just say that I’m very conflicted on how I should deal with my emotions now since I’ve tried every ways but all of it has a downside.

I try to stay away from negative things and avoid conflicts, which surprisingly is a lot more toxic than I expected because the negativity will always be there unless I face it and solve it. Not caring is not an option, it is impossible to not care unless you’re a sociopath. Back then I tried to really bottled up all my emotions until I started spilling them out on friends. I kind of open up a vault and I couldn’t stop letting all these emotions out. Until, I tried to closed it again and since then I’ve been sort of okay with just minor changes. Before I used to be all about helping people with their problems like I go out of my way to be helpful and supportive. I literally don’t give a fuck about myself before and I would rather help others before I help myself. Right now, I feel myself changing day by day. I don’t know if I’m becoming more “selfish” but I try my best to stay away from negativity hence I became sort of cold hearted.

I remember seeing this photo from social media about how we become older we figuratively became smarter and wiser but as that happens our hearts also become smaller and colder. That photo was engraved in my mind because I find it true as I experience it. It started when I graduated college I was sent out to the “real world”. This chaotic life that I have to face for a lifetime. When you were still a student the world was somehow filtered, you get to have these ideas of what life would be like and in your mind it’s this awesome plan. I thought I just have to do these steps so I can have that dream but as it turns out it wasn’t that easy. I thought upon graduating I have all these tools to be remarkable but I have nothing. I’m just this another normal girl looking for a job. It went on from there learning that I was not that special and the world just sucks. Money is important even if you just want a simple life. All these negative information kind of piled up inside of me. I was once a hopeful and idealistic person who hopes for the best and sees something in good in everything. Now, I’m this skeptic person trying my best to get by and as much as possible protect my wellness.

It’s not that I don’t care about other people because I’m a huge a fan of kindness and empathy, if you have been reading from this blog for a while now you probably know that already. I promote checking on your loved ones and listening to their stories. But I’m also a fan of self-love. For me, I try to create this boundary with myself of being concern and being over-caring to other people’s emotions. I absorb negativity quickly that’s why I try to refrain myself of putting my nose in other people’s issues but at the same time I also want them to know that I am there for them. But these past couple of years I felt myself being cold. I stopped checking on people because I was so caught up with my own shit and I also became a jerk because I felt like I dealt with my problems on my own and I’m surviving and I started expecting other people to do the same. I’m turning into someone that I hated growing up, the kind of person that thinks everything is all in our heads and just wanted attention. I started realizing it that is why I’m writing this.

Like, I said from the beginning of this post I am conflicted on how I should deal with my emotions. I thought not dealing with it and avoiding to feel it was the best way but as it turns out I’m becoming a toxic person not just for myself but also for other people. I lost that sense of being empathic and sympathetic on others adversities. I wanted to bring my old self back but I know that it is impossible especially with all the things that I have experienced. I am this person because of it, I mean I learned a lot about how the world works even though it still disappoints me. I crave for my innocence back but I am not a child anymore and I should accept the fact that I have all these responsibilities now. I guess that is the source of my problem I wanted to be a kid again— carefree with no responsibility.

I feel like this writing is a mess. I feel like I have talked about everything that’s been bothering me when in fact I just want to talk about how I deal with my emotions but it led to different aspects of my life lol. Well, I guess that’s how it really goes when you have too many bottled up thoughts and emotions.

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Anyway,

I have finally updated our blog directory. It was so overdue and I apologize for that so please feel free to check our blog directory and discover new blogs to read and follow. 😊

Click here


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