MY GIGANTIC THOUGHT BUBBLE POPPED!

It’s been months since I last posted in here and from those times that I wasn’t posting here I always tell myself that I’m going to write something but I end up feeling tired and just keep the words I intend to write in my mind instead.
 
Today is Sunday and it’s raining, it’s the start of the rainy season from where I am and it’s my favorite season and type of weather. I was lying in my bed and I just feel really comfortable that I just want to stay in bed all day and just listen to the sound of the rain but then I had the urge to grab my notebook and just write. So I did, I wanted to write about the times that I was not writing and the reason why I was not writing.
 
I always blamed my job for taking all of my time, it’s impossible to juggle relationships, sleep and other stuff after work. But then I realized that it was not really about the amount of time I need to allot to write, it was about how I was supposed to write. Writing for me is where you pour your emotions out and it’s a way to vent out and lately I have no emotions left to pour that I felt my words will no longer have meaning when I write it with no feelings at all. It’s the true feeling of numbness and emptiness that I don’t feel anything at all, even the type of pain that you can feel in your chest is gone. It’s like I got tired of everything and I just accept everything that is happening and I’m not making any efforts at all. I used to care so much and now I’m just losing interest in everything that I once loved doing and that includes writing.

How am I supposed to write when I can no longer feel anything? When I can no longer put words to what I’m thinking?

That’s where my Gigantic Thought Bubbled popped! I keep wondering if the-not-feeling-anything part is just the effect of growing up and adulthood because if it is I don’t want it anymore, I just want to freeze time.

I want to do something about it and I want to write again even about the dumbest thing that I can think about and I kind of lost my poetic side as well and I want to bring it back. I’m writing again and I will try my best to post regularly because I just want to bring back my old self or even just a part of myself where I once cared.

Joana x

P.S. How is everyone? I miss reading your blogs. 🙂

WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

I’ve always imagined myself when I was younger that when I reach my 20’s I’m going to be a responsible adult who knows what she wants and doesn’t really depend on anyone but herself. Now that I’m 21 that imagination remains as an imagination because I don’t see myself now as an adult because for some reason I don’t want to be one lol. I thought teenage years were difficult, I thought having those minor responsibilities were too much but now I wish to go back to those years where the world was somehow filtered. They at least try to make us see the world after we graduate a little less overwhelming, now I understand what they mean when they say “welcome to the real world”… it sucks!

Well, maybe I’m in the early stage of stepping into the real world to say that it sucks and maybe I need to explore it more (do I have to?) so far all I can say is that I’d rather be in school lol. I learned so far that reality is very toxic and it will be if you let it. You need to have a strong mentality to face everything because these negatives can easily change you. It’s like the more you step into this “world” the colder your heart gets and kills the innocence inside of you. I think it’s all up to us how we face it and how we let it affects us but we need to preserve our wellness above everything else.

To those who are teenagers don’t rush to be a grown up enjoy your youth while you can (can’t believe I’m saying this like I’m a real grown up lol) time does flies so fast because before you know it you’re in the past (Always Remember lyric by Shane Filan).

Anyway, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything so forgive this short entry, I’m still trying to fit in everything that I want to do in a day but I still don’t know how and I only have one rest day from work in a week (shoot me now!) I honestly miss reading other blogs and books, I feel like I’m missing out on a lot of things since I started working or maybe this is what it feels like when I’m not sitting around in my house all day lol.

 

P.S. I don’t why but I feel like ending this entry with John Mayer’s song No Such Thing because it’s currently stuck in my head while I am writing this and I just feel like it suits this post. 🙂

LATE NIGHT QUESTIONS: EVERYTHING’S GOING TO CHANGE ISN’T IT? 

Another night where I’m thinking about everything and it’s been a while since I wrote about what I think, right now I’m thinking about what comes after, what’s going to happen next— this is the time where I’m supposed to be freaking out, I wasn’t until now (thanks brain). 

 I’m going to graduate in a month that means everything’s going to change right? I have to adjust to a whole lot of changes, it’s the next chapter of my life and this is the part where it gets real, I have to get a job which I’m very anxious about and also this is where I’m either going to find myself or feel completely lost. This is the time where I need to stop being lazy and stop fooling around. How I wish I could freeze time, I’m thinking about how I won’t see my friends often like I used to and the possibility that we won’t even be friends anymore that’s what makes me sad the most (friends come and go). I may say to myself that I’m ready but honestly I think I’m not.
 
Quite terrifying. 

 
Yes, everything is definitely going to change.