This was written in the early months during quarantine. It has been sitting out in my drafts for quite some time now. I was just waiting for the perfect time and courage to publish this, and I was reflecting on the last post that I did couple of days ago for suicide prevention month. I kind of need to “walk the talk”, by sharing my story.
This is probably the most difficult blog post to write and the most personal story that I will ever share. This might trigger some thoughts. So, if you’re going through something please talk to a trusted person or call for help.
This is a short story about my depression and anxiety. I never really talked about it straight here and I’ve always tried to put it in a more creative writing but I guess now that I’m healing, and in a much better place mentally and emotionally. I can finally talk about it.
Not having my parents around was a huge part of having my depression and anxiety. When you were a kid you looked up to your family right? Imagine not having that support system— I was completely lost. I didn’t know what to do because a big part of me was missing. Honestly, I was mostly sad all my life and I’ve been dealing with it all on my own but don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for my aunt for taking care of me but I guess I was still looking for that missing puzzle piece. So, I bottled up my emotions and I tried to be as strong as I could be because I grew up realizing that all I have was myself, and I needed to take care of myself but instead of handling it properly, I ended up sabotaging myself. I hid my emotions effectively by having that strong surface just to let others see that I didn’t have a weakness but deep inside I was falling apart. I got the idea that when people knew what you were feeling, they would have used it against you. Thus, my trust issues arise. All of these emotions were inside of me and I tried to contained it but internally I guess they had exploded.
It build up from there and I doubted myself. I overthink a lot. I pushed people away and worst I hated myself just by being me. I isolated myself and there were nights that I didn’t sleep. I cried a lot and even prayed to God to just take me. It was the kind of pain that you couldn’t explain, it was like something was hurting inside you but you didn’t know how to make it go away or where it was even coming from. I had suicidal thoughts and wishing somebody or something could just take my life and just end it. It was the constant train of thoughts of everything would be better off if I was dead. I tried to released these thoughts by writing it out and there was a time where this blog was flooded with depressing writings, but it wasn’t enough. So, I finally confided to two of my most trusted friends and they were supportive and consoling but still, it wasn’t enough. It’s like my brain already decided that I will be miserable for the rest of my life and nothing could make it better. My mind was closed on ideas that there were silver linings and genuine happiness. I was decided that I would never get to see the day that I’m old. But the hopeful side of me wasn’t completely gone (thanked God) there were days where I’m all positive but sadness was still there. There was still this little flame inside of me fighting the dark thoughts. But the pain was too much to handle, and I finally confided to my sister and told her everything. We had that long talk where she encouraged me and she said all of the things that could lift my spirits up. A part of me was relieved because I got to talk to one of the people that I looked up to growing up but sadly, it still wasn’t enough.
I graduated college and I got more depressed because I felt like my life was going nowhere. I felt like I was really on my own now and I will be living the life the society wanted me to live in, and going with the flow felt like the only thing that I could do at the time. I will be working for the rest of my life in a job that I’m not passionate about just to earn money. But then I finally got this job and I got to experience the “real world” and how it can be so scary. Adulting was so terrifying but it opened up some new realizations, it widened and changed my perspective on life. As my life goes on, I started seeing what I’ve been missing on life because I was so preoccupied by overthinking things. I was so caught up in my miserable world that I forgot that I have amazing things around me that others didn’t have. I got to communicate and interact with other people that made me realize that my life wasn’t that bad and I should be grateful. My depression and anxiety affected my relationships as well, that it made me hesitant to fall in love but I rushed into a relationship that I thought would crashed instantly, but it somehow helped me. My boyfriend became my confidant meaning the one who took all the miserable sh*ts of my life and it wasn’t easy for him because I was such a complicated girl to be with but thanked God for him. I became more open about sharing personal stuff. I saw that I have people supporting me in a way that I was too self-centered to notice. I realized that I shut myself out from the world and from the idea of being happy. But then I started spending more time with the family that I have— I felt safe. I remember what my sister told me when I told her about my mental state, she said that there will be a turning point in my life where I will realize that family will be the most important aspect in my life and everything will suddenly be alright. I was rereading that conversation and that was almost 3 years ago, back then I didn’t really took it seriously because my mind was shutting out every idea of how to be happy.
I finally had that turning point in my life and I just confirmed it during this quarantine. I had no other choice but to spend more time with my family. I finally felt included and wanted. All along I thought I was alone but I wasn’t. I realized that I just needed to talk more about what I feel and think, and be more open. I also saw how beautiful life can be if I focus on what’s more important rather than letting the negative parts of my life affect me. It’s so much peaceful if you start seeing everything with optimism. I know there are a lot of people suffering from mental illness due to the pandemic and the isolation that I thought I would suffer as well, but to be honest I became more of a positive person during this quarantine. There was like a switch that suddenly changed how I view life. I don’t really know how it happened but I’m glad it did. But I still suffer from having anxiety, the pressure to be successful, the overthinking and “what ifs” is still there. I still get that random sadness but this time it’s manageable.
Having anxiety is not just feeling nervous, when you have this thing it’s feeling nervous and at the same time you feel a bunch more emotions with it, you feel excitement, fear, sadness and thinking what’s going to happen and all the “what ifs”. It sucks and I realize it doesn’t really go away, it stays with you and it will be a part of you, but I get by one day at a time and I still find those little things that makes me calm. We just all need to find our center and focus on that.
I may have explained and told my story a little vague because to be honest I didn’t know how to tell a story and explain it, and plus, I didn’t really know how I survived my depression, it just happened. I guess it’s really cliché to say that “everything will be okay” but it’s actually true. It’s also true that your family will be your rock and they should always come first no matter what. There will truly be a turning point in life where everything will finally make sense and suddenly be okay.
You will figure it all out on your own. You just got to live one day at a time.
As I’ve said from the start, this was written a few months ago at the early months of quarantine, and this was written from an optimistic perspective. I still struggle with anxiety and go into my depression session, every now and then but I’m getting by (don’t worry). But everything that I’ve written about how there will be a turning point in life, or a magical switch are all true. Like, I said from one of my posts here. Life has it’s ups and downs, it will not be perfect and we need to accept that. From the words of Rolling Stones You Can’t Always Get What You Want.
I was so hesitant to post this, and now I finally did. To anyone who is still keeping their stories to themselves, I encourage you to reach out, share it, and talk about it. Because one of the steps towards healing is talking about it. Reach out to me through the contact page, if you guys want to talk about anything that makes your heart and mind heavy, you can offload it there. Let’s be there for each other and let’s swap stories. 🤗
If you’re struggling, don’t hesitate to call for help.
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